My Second and Third Years of the Ph.D.: Running Out of Steam

A few years have passed since my last Ph.D. update, so I figure it’s time for one.

Since then, I’ve jumped through a few more hoops of the program, and navigated extra demands outside of it. But what I’ve learned really comes down to this: almost nothing goes according to plan. And as time goes on, it becomes increasingly harder to separate the Ph.D. from the rest of my life.

Let me explain. I’ll start where I left off.

As expected, I finished my courses by Christmas of 2024. (Insert applause here.)

But then—my supervisors recommended that I take another course for credit. This kind of uprooted my plans to prepare for the mandatory Hebrew Expertise exam. (For context: this exam requires you to prepare 40 chosen chapters from the Hebrew Old Testament, and then translate four of them on the exam. It’s kinda a big deal. (A future post on this exam is in the works.)

I also needed to prepare sermons for a May women’s weekend retreat.

Surely I could do it all, right?

But then…another thing.

In March I was accepted to speak at two June conferences. One for a paper I hadn’t written yet, and for another I had to rewrite.

I kept on chugging along. Honestly, I was holding it together. I really was.

And then…?

In April 2025, I was tapped on the shoulder to be told the great news that there was an opening for a ministry interview—a necessary step within my ordination process. I had been waiting for this chance. I couldn’t pass it up.

It was scheduled for a week after the women’s retreat, both at the end of May. I wrote and studied my Hebrew passages and prepared for my interview.

I did the retreat. God moved in serious ways. Loved ones showed up for me. And I was so thankful.

I passed the interview. Shortly after, I became a Ministerial Candidate in my denomination and an Assistant Pastor at my church (a move up from Lay Minister).

I did the two conferences in June. I was getting tired.

My Hebrew exam was just two weeks later. Just a little further to go, and then I could rest. I had studied—spending 12 hour days just continuously translating and reviewing grammar. I even incorporated some of the passages as part of my Bible study at church.

The day of the exam

I arrived, ready to conquer Hebrew for three hours. But when I opened the booklet in that quiet exam room, I didn’t recognize two out of the four passages.

I called in the invigilator. I asked her if it’s normal to not recognize half the exam. She called in her supervisor. He went over with me the passages I didn’t recognize, and he offered for me to reschedule the exam for another time. I felt like a failure, but I agreed.

I emailed my examiner, the one who put together my exam, and asked if it was normal to put in passages not on the list.

Turns out, they were on the list. And I had studied them. I even led a Bible study on one of them just days before.

In retrospect, I was so overworked that my brain hit a wall.

At the time, it was embarrassing. I had told so many people when my exam was, that when they inevitably asked how I did, I had to relive the event every time.

I decided to take a break from all Ph.D. work for the rest of the summer of 2025. August came. I signed up to TA a course in the Fall—another Ph.D. requirement. I enjoyed helping students learn and grow through comments on their assignments. But I couldn’t bring myself to study Hebrew. Working on my thesis felt like I was running in circles. I learned to rest a bit during this time, but I still ended the Fall semester more depleted than when I started.

Somewhere in my exhaustion, I came across something that used to spark joy: an old fiction story I started in 2018. I decided to tinker with it a little. First with re-reading and editing what was already there, and then continuing the story.

My imagination was rekindled. Each day I typed away at the document was another log to fuel the fire. By January, I found I could actually review Hebrew vocabulary again without shutting down.

The writing woke up my brain enough to study. No writing, no study. I resolved to keep writing. And I passed the exam in July 2026.

I’m working on my Thesis Prospectus. Once approved, I’m on to comprehensive exams.

The conclusion of this Ph.D. student…

This isn’t a “I kept pushing harder, and I did it!” story. This isn’t about learning how to do a Ph.D. story, either. And this definitely isn’t about showing off how much I learned.

This is a “I learned I can’t keep saying yes” story. And a “I can’t believe how much I have yet to learn” story. I jumped at every opportunity. But I also learned I need to breathe.

I’m still busy. September is still a hectic month with meetings. I’m preparing a couple of sermons, and I still lead Bible study. I write here, when I can.

Yet, I have also said no to other things. Every time I stop to take a breath, I somehow find the wonder.

Maybe that’s how I’ll keep being joyful for Jesus.