Since I’ve been going to a church geared towards young adults, I’ve met all kinds of people around my age. That is, in their early-to-mid twenties. And as always, you get along with some more than others. More importantly, of course, you find guys and girls coming to church to look for a relationship with their future spouse.

This is where I’m gonna get super honest. This post is aimed towards men, not because women can’t learn from it (because they can), but because the trend I see primarily comes from young adult Christian men.

It makes sense. You want to pick a lifetime partner, and you want to raise your children with Christian values. So you actively attend church and keep on the lookout for women your age. As a Christian, and as a human being—I can totally understand that. Looking for a Christian spouse is important, and it’s something on the back burner of my mind.

If you’re wondering what a woman is looking for, here are some key pointers:

1) She’s looking for passion and drive.

You don’t need to be super high up in your career, but you need to love what you do. Women are programmed to look for stability and security, and she knows that if you love what you do, then there’s a good chance that you’ll be a stable partner instead of being flighty. Drive and passion show women that you are able to provide. And for those who will probably one day bear children, provision is important.

2) She’s looking for a man who knows his Bible, and lives it.

While you may be looking for a woman to teach your future children Bible stories, there’s a woman looking for a man to do the same. Children need to be taught Christian principles by both mother and father. So get to reading.

Are you a hot-head or find yourself calm and collected? I find that in most circles, women are looking for even-tempered men. If you find yourself getting angry at the small stuff, keep reading your Bible and actively live out its principles. You’ll find that you’ll slowly exercise peace. It’s the best lifehack.

3) Integrity is integral.

No woman wants someone who’s wishy-washy. If you make a stance on a subject and find out that the girl you like has a different opinion, don’t change your view just to match hers. Instead, have a conversation; debate the pros and cons, and listen.

Similar to holding your ground against her, a woman needs to trust that you can stand up for her, too, when necessary.

She’s also watching how you treat others. So if you’re smiling with her, but being rude to someone else, she’s going to conclude that you’re two-faced. Show that you have integrity by being consistent in your behaviour with everyone you meet. she needs to see it first hand that you’ll stand for God’s truth in your life in every situation, not just when it suits you.

4) Confidence.

You don’t need to be arrogant like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast, but you do need to be able to stand up for yourself and others. (Note: this is not where you tell her that you’re “confident”; she needs to see and feel it first-hand that you are secure in your own skin.)

She needs the type of kindness and gentleness that only a secure and confident man can give.

Part of being secure in yourself comes from knowing your Bible. Knowing your Bible knows that you know God’s promise for you in your life, and it means that you won’t become too dependent or clingy on your partner for support.

5. Being respectful.

Just as important as feeling secure, is our need to be respected. And not just our bodies, but our time. The more interested we are in you, the more time we give. That should be obvious.

But what becomes a problem is when a man hovers around us while we are having a conversation with other people. We’re taught from an early age to be polite to everyone, and that leaving conversations abruptly is considered rude.

If you feel like you need to hover or follow a girl around in order to get her attention, then it’s safe to say she’s not interested in you romantically. Don’t put her in an awkward situation where she feels like she needs to be rude in order to leave a conversation.

The key is making a woman feel free enough to give you her time voluntarily. Hovering eliminates that freedom, and frankly, it’s selfish because you’re taking that time. I can assure you that she will be avoiding you in the future.

6. Contribute to the conversation.

So you’re in conversation with her. Now you can get to understand how she thinks. But remember that we don’t want to feel like we’re talking at someone; we want to feel like we’re talking with someone. If you find that she’s always leading the conversation or that you have nothing to add, that girl you’re talking to is probably going to get bored. Sometimes, a girl will keep talking incessantly because she feels nervous. But eventually, those nerves will subside.

On the flip side, one of my own pet peeves is when people talk for a while without actually saying anything. I’m sure you know the type; some people seem like they talk merely to hear their own voice. Is the conversation moving forward, or are you stuck in the same place? In other words: are you learning from each other?

This is leading to another thing women look for…

7. A desire for growth.

Sometimes, the reason why people can’t contribute new things to a conversation, is because they’re stuck in the same place in life. Are the decisions you’re making based on your desire to grow and move forward in your life, or are they based on your desire to stay safe?

I admit, I’m not one to talk. I more than often enough make decisions based on what feels familiar and comfortable. But if you’re like me, you can still make growth-based decisions even in the familiarity. Starting a new hobby, taking a class, reading a new book: these are all excellent talking points and/or decisions in life that will give you a new perspective to explore.

8. Chemistry.

So you like this girl, and you think you get along pretty well. But don’t mistake camaraderie for chemistry. Are you feeling butterflies because it’s her, or just because she’s a girl?

I want you to think about why you like a girl. Is it because of her love for Christ, and her own passions? Or is it because of her physical features, or even, how her interests suit yours? Make sure your focus is always rooted in Christ and His desires for your life. And remember, just because she says she’s a Christian, doesn’t mean that her (or your) focus is rooted in Christ. Look at her heart.

If you’ve decided that your interest in this girl is Christ-rooted, then congrats, you’re part of the way there. But here’s the next part: is she just as interested in you, too?

Overall though, I get it. It’s hard to figure out whether a girl is interested in pursuing a relationship with you or not (without directly asking). On the flip side, it’s hard for us girls sometimes too.

But be rest assured, you’ll know if a Christian girl likes you.

With her focus on Jesus, she’s not going to want to play games, and will express enthusiastic interest in talking with you. Plus, she will usually try her best to hang out with you outside of church. If she’s delayed in her text responses, or brushes off your attempts to hang out outside of church alone, she’s probably not interested in you romantically.

I think what causes the confusion is one of two things: 1) She sees you as a friend but you’re overthinking her friendly interest as romantic, or; 2) She might have a small interest, but the timing is wrong in her life.

If it’s #2, then you need to respect that. For a woman especially, this time before we get into relationships is when we’re able to solely focus on our own spiritual journey without needing to compromise with someone else. She could perhaps be planning to move to the other side of the world, or needs her time to focus on her career, and doesn’t want to put herself in a heartbreak situation where she needs to choose.

I think it’s really important to voice that while there are women who are actively looking, there are just as many women who have a ton of anxiety just centred around relationships, marriage, and children. Because whether or not you as a man plan to be the primary raiser of your kids, the woman usually sacrifices the most. Physically, emotionally, financially, and status-wise.

Keep that in mind the next time you try to ask a woman you like to an event; because she’s certainly thinking about it too. It’s important to focus on your walk. This is key.

Because if we just focus on finding a spouse rather than focusing on our own spiritual journey, what will we have left to contribute to the relationship?

With all that being said: good luck in your search, young men. Keep praying, and keep letting Jesus guide you.